SOCIAL MEDIA

Monday, February 18, 2019

The Spiritual Journey

The following is the spiritual journey I went through while enduring all I have written about here, so many hidden jewels in the midst of suffering.....

The Spiritual Journey

I was raised Catholic by my mom, and have had a prayer life and what most Christians would refer to as "a personal relationship with the Lord" since I was about 13. Never have I had doubts about God's loving care for me. And though I have had "dry spells", times when I did not feel consolation in prayer, I had never reached a point of feeling totally abandoned. I reached both points somewhere in the middle of this trial of suffering. I knew God had a plan, but my faith was seriously tested for the first time. As Catholics, we also believe there is a redemptive purpose to suffering as there was in Christ's suffering (Col. 1:23-24, 1st Cor. 3:9, and 2nd Cor. 4:8-12 are a few scriptures that might help in the understanding of this). This more than anything, got me through it. I was also blessed to have stumbled upon a spiritual treasure, a formation called Disciples of Jesus and Mary and the priest who wrote it, now deceased, God rest his soul. Some of the principles from this, based in scripture that helped me so much were: Nothing is an accident, everything is a providential gift of God, and since everything is a providential gift everything has a purpose in your life. Even the bad stuff. Suffering was a way of life for me, and I had to know God had a reason for allowing it.



My beloved husband, a precious gift from God, listened to my doubts, my rants and ravings, and very calmly replied that he knew God had a purpose, that he felt he was going to heal me, and most of the time, he just listened and held me. He was Christ to me, as a spouse truly should be, and often had faith for me when I could not. At one point when things were really bad and I was on my 2nd or third healing service/novena/etc. I had decided to do a novena to St. Thérèse, "the Little Flower".


Maybe you have heard of her. She was a very young saint. She didn't do anything spectacular, just offered up every little thing she did for souls and for love of Jesus. But the Church decided her "little way" was so spectacular, she was not only declared a saint, but a Doctor of the Church, which is basically like saying she has a doctorate in holiness. On her death bed, she promised she would "spend her heaven doing good on earth, and send a shower of roses." So there is a novena you can say and at the end of nine days, receive a rose in some form as answer to your prayer. Sounds kooky, I know. But I have done the novena several times, and on all occassions I did in fact receive, a rose. In each circumstance, I was the only one aware I was looking for it. The best way I can explain a Catholic's reason for doing such a thing is this: First of all let's get this out of the way, we don't worship saints. Ok? We know they are people like us. But this life is tough and was not meant to be done alone. God made us to be in a family, on earth, but also in heaven. We need our family and friends to get us through, right? Well, the saints are like our big brothers and sisters who have won the race and are on the other side (Heb.12:1) AND they have connections. They are right there at the throne and are just waiting to help us out and intercede for us. Do you ask your mom to pray for you? your best friend? sister? I asked my heavenly sister to pray for me.

So, at the end of this novena, my husband comes home from work and puts my ipod in the dock. He had been working on a special playlist for me and wanted to share. Now, I am a musician. Music is my passion. If a song touches me, I cry. Ask my children. The first song that played was "a Rose" by Susan Ashton. The tears were flowing. That night I can't explain it, but there was a release. A cloud of despair lifted. And even though things were still bad, somehow I knew it was going to get better. I sat there on the couch with my husband and just cried my eyes out, but they were good tears, tears of relief. One song that has stayed with me the most from that night is this:



There is something else I learned from this experience. Sometimes we have a problem with other people's problems. When someone asks "How are you doing?" we don't always really want to know. From the Christian point of view, somehow, we have gotten this idea that, we are not supposed to have a hard time if we are followers of Christ. We think that we should always be happy no matter what. And you know what? That just isn't realistic. Jesus wept when his friend died, and he knew he was about to make him rise again. And I am pretty sure he wasn't hanging on the cross with a big smile on his face. It has taught me to really think when I ask someone "How are you doing?" to want to know and to care, and to listen. This song spoke to me in the very depths of my aching heart, when I was suffering so much, and at times felt abandoned by God:


When you are going through something really hard, it is ok to question God, it is ok if all you can do is cry sometimes. I hope with all my heart that when someone unloads their problems on me, I will be willing to hear them, cry with them, and be compassionate, as my husband, family, and very close friends have done.

There were little jewels that God dropped down into the midst of the most intense suffering. I was given the gift of a spiritual director who I still have the privilege of meeting with. She helped me through the deepest struggles of my faith during this time. There were 3 priests who prayed for my healing, both in person and from afar. One priest, who is now in heaven but still very much in my heart, became a spiritual father to me and taught me so much about being a true disciple. Another priest, an exorcist and missionary, came to my house when I was bedridden, prayed with us, gave us many spiritual insights into our personal family life (that no one else could have done without the help of God), and gave me the Sacrament of Annointing of the Sick. This experience had such a profound impact on my husband and me, I can't even express it in words.

As a couple and as a family, prayer became no longer a nice thing to do, but a must do. My children learned to help a lot more because I simply was unable to do a lot. They learned to think outside of themselves, and to step up to serve their younger siblings and me when I was in need. They learned a lot by watching me just be human. My daughter once sat with me on the floor and hugged me, while I cried through a difficult reaction. My husband too, took on a lot more burdens, and had already been doing a lot as a husband and father to 5. Sometimes it takes a good deal of hardship for our souls to grow, stretch and wake up a little. Sometimes we are only ready to receive God's gifts when we are broken.

I am happy to say that although I have been faithless many times and questioned God repeatedly, He has been faithful still! Over all, the greatest fruit I have seen in myself, and that I know beyond any doubt having gone through this: God is faithful. This last song was a theme song to me throughout:



Blessed be God my Father, who is faithful always, even when we are not!

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